This Is My Story...

I've been told numerous times lately that while I sing praises to my Father, I have a glow.  Only after knowing my story will you realize the blessing and testimony found in that simple statement.

This is my story.

I felt abandoned.  Rejected.  Dismissed.  Like damaged goods on my best days and like worthless, unwanted scraps on my worst.  After circumstances of the past year or so had left me broken beyond words, I questioned one of the most essential aspects of my faith: God's love.  My heart was destroyed, marred beyond my own recognition, and all because I wasn't enough.  I wasn't enough to love, to keep, to fight for.  This wasn't just a silly boy, just like it wasn't just a silly church family.  These were blessings from God that I had loved and lost, that I had given my everything to only to turn around and realize they were gone.  And surely, if I couldn't attain the love of mere humans, how could I have fooled myself into believing I could have the unconditional love of a Savior?

I spent three months fully submerged in darkness.  Literally.  I locked myself in my room, turned off the light, and just cried.  For three months.  I didn't want to be around anyone.  Going to bookings and praising a Jesus I had once believed loved me so dearly became almost unbearable.  (The grace of God amazes me to this day.  He still anointed my praises even as I was bitter and depressed.)  When people would hug my neck and tell me that they loved me, I would cringe.  Surely they didn't mean it.  Just give them time; once they got to know me, they'd leave me, too.

And as time passed, I grew more and more numb.  My only dim light of relief came when I poured my aching heart out to a Father I fully recognized I didn't deserve talking to.  And although I questioned His love, not once did I question His existence.  This went on for a while until I was finally at a point where I realized I didn't want to live like this anymore, and in a great weekend experience with a wonderful group of beautiful young ladies, God revealed the truth of His love to me.  Although I had been a Christian for five years, it took a broken heart and a damaged spirit to fully realize the everlasting truth of Christ's love.

It's been a long, detailed healing process.  But I have faith that the final product that God and I are working towards is going to be magnificent in His loving eyes.  I still have days where I'm haunted by past hurts, but I feel that I've been given a second chance at life.  I have a pressing need to reassure the world, Christians and non-Christians alike, of God's love.  After such a dark time in my life, when I worked so hard to just keep my head above water, being told that I have a glow again is a testimony of God's grace, mercy, and healing power.  Try to tell me my God doesn't answer prayers.  Try to tell me my God doesn't care about the tears we cry.  Hallelujah, I've been redeemed and set free.  And who the Son has set free is free indeed.