And then this subject hit me in the face so hard that I just knew it was how we needed to begin this journey. So settle in because there is about to be some serious heart-spilling in these words. And don't be afraid to comment or email with your responses. The whole concept is open, honest fellowship. I'm baring my heart for you in hopes that it will encourage you to do the same. Ready?
I scare myself. Actually, the future me scares the present me. Does that make sense? Some days, I am so excited to hit my knees and seek God, to fully allow Him to mold my heart and shape me no matter the cost. Other days, I am so frightened of what it will require of me to become a woman with a divine appointment. I hold God at arm's length because I'm afraid of diving deeper.
I have grown so much in the eight years that I have been committed to the Lord. I am not the same girl I was when I first welcomed Him into my heart. I am wiser, stronger, more brave. But I have lost much in order to reach this point. I have endured pain and faced fears with a trembling heart. And here, on the other side of such trials, I can say with a certainty that it was all worth it. But as I face the plan God has for me, I can't help but wonder if I can handle what is required now. If new levels bring new devils, am I truly ready to face deep, life-altering hurts again? Am I truly, 100% committed to fulfilling the Lord's plan in me if I am not willing to endure such pain?
Aside from that, am I willing to invest in prayer as a prayer warrior does? Am I willing to lose myself in God's presence for hours regardless of a growing to do list and an early morning the next day? I utter mindlessly that I desire for God's will in my life, yet my traitorous heart decides otherwise. I don't know exactly what He has planned for me, but I do know that it will require greater commitment than what I am showing now.
Is there a term for this? Fear coupled with laziness. And perhaps it all boils down to this: I am comfortable here. Among demons I've already conquered, victories I've already attained, battles I've already won. I look ahead with longing, but linger in the shadows here because at least I know I am strong enough to be this person now.
But I'm not meant to dwell in the shadows and neither are you, friend. What God has planned for us may require a peek into the past simply so we can be reminded of His faithfulness, but His plan is always moving us forward. We are running the race of faith, and how many people do you see running a race backwards? We are to be looking ahead. We will run into unfamiliar territory. We are bound to stumble, be caught off-guard, and get hurt. But God has always been faithful to heal and carry us. He has brought us this far and it certainly wasn't so we could sit stubbornly in the middle of the road and refuse to move out of fear or laziness.
God has called each of us to great destinies. Becoming who He wants us to be will require growth and commitment and strength and a bunch of other scary terms that basically mean once we start, we can't back out. It's a big decision. But in the face of your fears, God is still greater. In the face of your hurts, God is still greater. In the face of your uncertainty, God is still greater. And He still knows what He is doing. You are meant to be awesome in the Divine plan of God Himself. Embrace it.
Father, forgive us. We build walls against You without having enough sense to even realize it. Thank You for Your loving patience. Remove the things warring for our hearts: laziness, complacency, fear. Your love is revolutionary, and in order to truly be who You want us to be, we must allow that revolutionary love to work in our lives and hearts. That requires great surrender from us, Lord, and we desire to surrender all into Your capable hands. Mold us into the men and women of God that You would have us to be. Grant us the courage to accept everything that requires. We hand ourselves over to You and trust You with the results. In the mighty name of Jesus we ask these things, amen. <3
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