When Fear Wins.

Today I let fear win. 

I let it strangle me until my lungs felt exhausted.  I gave it the power to cripple me, to shove me under the covers and into hiding.  I don't know why.  It felt like such a heavy weight from the moment I opened my eyes this morning.  I wanted to crawl out of my skin and into myself simultaneously.  I was grumpy and anti-social and overwhelmed by the smallest things.

And you know what?

That's okay.

I'm breathing deep and tapping my nails against the keys as I let that settle in.  

I decided to wage war on fear a couple of years ago and I guess I thought that would be it, like you win once and it's settled.  So on days when fear tickles the corners of my heart, I feel like a failure.  I feel like I'm letting myself down, like I'm letting God down, like I'm not strong enough to beat this pesky monster and I'll never be strong enough to beat it.  

But letting fear win one day doesn't mean I let it beat me.  And defeating fear one day doesn't mean I don't need Jesus anymore.  This life is a day-by-day adventure and honestly?  Not all of the days I'm given are going to be good ones.  Not all of the days I'm given are going to show me in my best light.  Not all of the days that I'm given are going to bring out my courage.

You know what I'm talking about.

There are going to be days in this crazy life when we are not going to have it all together.  There are going to be days when the world seems to be beating down our door and we just want to sink into the floor until everything disappears.  There are going to be days that end in tears, days that end in the consumption of an unhealthy amount of Ben & Jerry's, days that end with all the lights turned off while we sit in the silence and sip our chamomile tea and wonder where in the world our lives are going.

We are not defined by those days, friend.  They don't say anything about our worth, our merit, or our character.  Those days only say that we are human, and that is a beautiful blessing.

So I will wake up tomorrow, Lord willing, and face a brand new day.  I will bow my heart to my Heavenly Father and ask Him to bless the day before me.  And I will trust that I am still worthy, still strong, still loved.  

I will trust that as long as we rest in the Father's perfect love for us, fear never really wins.