To Find a Life.

Twenty-five.

As of yesterday, I am twenty-five years old.  Anyone who knows me knows that I have dreaded this number like a beating, that I have almost personally guaranteed a sobfest worthy of copious amounts of ice cream.

It's fine.

I should feel very blessed.  There are so many who don't get to see this age.  There are so many who didn't wake up this morning.  This breath, this day, this life. . . all are gifts.

But can I be honest?  My twenty-five years feel like a waste most of the time.  They feel like a fearful gathering of good intentions and unrealized potential.  They have been used up in the blink of an eye and I feel that I have so very little to show for them.

Like I said, it's fine.

I am a control freak, as you well know, so feeling this way about my life is very unsettling.  It causes me to shift and yank my life out of God's hands just long enough to do the damage that I like to call "progress".  Thus far, it is not going well.  Mainly because I keep asking God to do something ANYTHING with my life and He's all, "I can't do anything with your life if you keep taking it out of My hands."

And then I'm all, "Excuse me?!  That is a valid point."  Because, well, it is.

So, for my twenty fifth year of existence, I want to do something drastic.  I want to surrender.

God has been asking it of me for months, but surrender is scary and hard and not popular.  Surrender makes you look crazy to co-workers.  Surrender makes you scary to people who are just fine with their comfortable faith, thank you.  Surrendering your life and will to God makes you dangerous because God's plans become more important than your own.

It is intense.  It is insane.  And I have a sneaking suspicion that it may just be worth it.

I was reading a familiar verse in Matthew when it finally clicked:  

For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it. - Matthew 16:25 

I always hated that verse, if we're being honest.  I thought it meant martyrdom -- literally giving your physical life for God.  Because fear runs thick through my veins, I avoided that verse like the plague.  It wasn't until one Sunday morning, when I was wrestling with the concept of surrender and what it would look like in my life, that I realized another meaning.

 I have made valiant efforts to salvage what was left of my life after God told me to stand still.  Instead of losing myself in a sea of grace, I frantically tried to make up for time I had convinced myself I had lost.  I have been trying to save the very life that I thought I had placed in God's hands, and I have been trying to save it from the very God I claim to love and trust.  For each step I have taken in the direction of control and safety, I have been walking away from the life He has planned for me.  In trying to save my life, I have been losing it.  

I have to surrender.  I have to give God all that I have.  I have to let Him have my life.  Because that's the only way that I am ever going to find it.  I have asked others for answers, hoping to feast on their spiritual wisdom.  I have read books and blogs, hoping to find some hidden secret as to where I could go to find a fulfilling life I would love.  And the answer has always been the same:

The only place I will ever find fulfillment is in Christ.  
  

So I intend to find my life, the one I have been called and created to live for the glory of God.  This is my white flag of surrender and I am raising it high because I make messes, but God makes miracles.  And how awesome He is to see a miracle in me.

Friend, can I ask if you have surrendered?  Or are you losing your mind trying to save your life because you don't trust that the God of the universe has it all under control?  If so, know that you aren't alone, but that He can be trusted.  Let's pray for each other.