Bankrupt.

I am bankrupt.

No, not financially.  But let's not talk about my finances because it only stresses me.  I am, however, bankrupt in many other aspects.  I am bankrupt in love and compassion.  I am bankrupt in drive and motivation.  I am bankrupt in strength and sincerity.  I have dug to the depths of my well and have found myself wanting.  I have nothing left.  My resources have been depleted.  I am, currently, all used up.  I have been running on empty, running on fumes, running on nothing more than good intentions and the false assumption that I can handle it all.  But I can't.  It was never intended for me to handle it all.  Let this be a lesson to all who read: when you try to handle everything on your own, you'll soon discover how weak you are.  I don't care if you've learned this lesson already.  You will repeatedly learn this lesson until your dying day.

I have felt a meltdown approaching for a long time now.  Not for my typical reasons, of feeling useless or aimless, for I am certain that God is working in my favor in that arena.  Instead, I was offering the entirety of my heart to anyone and everyone who needed or desired a listening friend.  The problem with investing 100% into every needy person is once you've spent your total self, you have very little to offer the next person and even less to offer yourself.  At the end of the day, you haven't really helped anyone and the essence of you is completely gone.

Yet you wake up and do it all over again the next day because you're convinced that people need you and if, for one spare second, you were to leave them, they would forever blame you for their life's greatest unhappiness.  Who wants to be responsible for that?!

I felt myself being pulled in a million different directions, being overwhelmed with the negativity and questions of people and their situations.  I feel it is an honor and a privilege to be trusted with such things and I never wanted to complain and give the wrong impression.  So I just sat and listened, withering away, growing more and more bankrupt with each day. 

Until finally, I experienced a mini explosion.  A simple frustration led to, "I can't take this anymore."  There was no question about it.  I needed a break.  I needed to be filled up again.  Because compassion for people begins with passion for Christ, and I admit, with shame, that my passion, though ignited occasionally, was often neglected for my mind's preoccupation with my "counseling sessions".

As this sabbatical began, I thought He would teach me what to do to fix them.  Instead, He has shown me what to do to fix me.  I thought the situations or the mindsets I was dealing with were the problem, but I discovered that I was the problem.  I was convinced that people needed me.  What pressure that particular notion creates!  What a foolish, prideful thing for me to place upon myself.

The basic facts: people don't need me.  They need Jesus.  If I'm not filled to the brim with His love and His compassion and His Spirit, which makes all things possible according to His infinitely perfect will, then my words of supposed comfort are not pointing to Him.  And if I'm not pointing to Him in everything, I have no business giving advice.  The only Person who can bear all the heartaches, doubts, questions, and fears of my friends and myself is Jesus.  And the only One who can save me from my bankrupt condition is Jesus.

Jesus does all, bears all, is all.

In Him, I find love and compassion, drive and motivation, strength and sincerity.  But most importantly, I find forgiveness for trying to do what only He could ever do.  I think I'll leave the saving to my Savior.  As for me, I've taken on the task of merely resting in His presence.  And what a beautiful rest it is.