Failure.

I'm always reminded of the one (and only) APUSH test I failed in high school when I think about failure.  I hadn't read the section.  I had gone into the test completely unprepared, hoping that favor from God Himself could help me pass.  But, this time, it did not.  I remember crying my eyes out when I got home because not only had I failed the test, lowering my grade, but I had disappointed my teacher so much that he stopped me after class to talk about my unusual performance. 

I was a failure.  The shame and anger I held towards myself burned in my chest.  I never failed another test, in APUSH or any other class.  I never wanted to feel that way again.

Which is ironic, because that feeling of being an absolute failure has haunted me since high school graduation.  I had plans, hopes, dreams, and visions of who I would become and what I would be doing.  And God hushed it all into silence with a simple, "Stand still".  So everyday, it is a battle between my spirit that wants to obey and my flesh that feels like a failure. 

Not many realize the depth of my battle.  Sometimes I, myself, do not grasp how important it is for my spirit to win.  On days when my flesh wins, and I feel much like I did that day I failed the test, it's all I can do to keep my head above water, to whisper hope into existence, to grasp for purpose.  Sometimes, it is suffocating, as if I am drowning in my own unrealized expectations.  I am overwhelmed by failure.

But recently, at a Christmas party held exclusively for ladies, we were asked in a fun questionnaire who we would trade places with for a day.  I immediately wrote, "Someone who knows what they're doing with their life; someone with purpose."  We were invited to share our responses and I listened as some spoke of Oprah or Dolly Parton or Donald Trump.  When the leader of the group called on someone and I didn't hear a response, I looked up.  And then realized why she wasn't saying anything.

She was pointing at me.

What?!  Why on God's green earth would you want to be me, child?  It was easily one of the sweetest, yet most confusing, moments of my life.  She had anyone and everyone to choose from, and for some reason, she chose me.  No wealth, fame, prestige, or honor.  Just little old me.  I didn't feel like I had anything to offer, but she clearly thought otherwise.  She saw something in my life that made it worth living for her.

In that moment, I realized how important it is for me to obey God.  Even if it is uncomfortable, even if it robs me of my own dreams, even if God is taking His sweet time unfolding His will.  I have a generation of people watching me, depending on my obedience to orders from the Throne.  I have a purpose, a divine appointment, awaiting me.  If I allow myself to be overwhelmed now, I will not make it.  And if I don't make it, not only will I disappoint myself and those watching me, but I will disappoint my Father.  And that is the ultimate failure. 

So I covet your prayers on this journey.  And I pray for you, reader.  I pray that you obey God in all things, so that those who are watching you are drawn to the anointing in your life.  I pray that, if things are difficult to understand right now, God grants you peace or perspective.  And I pray that, if you, too, feel overwhelmed by failure at times, you will join me in my new prayer:

When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to Jesus.  Lead me to the place where the waters can't drown me, where the darkness can't overcome me, where my own fears can't suffocate me.  Lead me to the Rock that is higher than I.

May God bless you abundantly.