Living in the Deep End.

I'm tired of existing.

I know that sounds harsh, but it is the most honest truth I've shared with you, friends.  As we leave this year behind and prepare to usher in a new one, I'm forced to look back on 2014 and remember.

I've been more disillusioned this year.  People that I once held in high esteem have become increasingly more human to me and, as a result, I have held everyone at a distance.  I have never felt more achingly alone or acutely aware of how difficult it is to find people my age who genuinely love Jesus and have decided to follow Him no matter the cost.  Ministry opportunities, ones that I so looked forward to, were seemingly ripped from my grasp this year.  My prayer life has taken a beating since I questioned everything, including whether my prayers could really make a difference at all.

And yet, I still feel as though I'm walking out of this year unscathed by what truly matters.  I'm not satisfied with where I am, spiritually or personally, because I know that it has taken very little effort on my part to get here.  I haven't done anything that requires great courage or faith and that sickens me.  Where's the girl who once believed God for impossible things?  Where's the girl who always had a testimony poised and ready on the tip of her heart?  Where's the girl who was so excited to be pieced back together again that she vowed to become an advocate of God's love?

I feel as though I'm just existing.  And that's just not cutting it anymore.

I once made the statement, "...when my time of waiting is complete and God moves me into the blessing He has waiting for me, I don't want Him to find me treading water in the shallow end.  Treading water doesn't require any faith.  It's safe and simple.  I want Him to find me in the deep end, teaching others how to swim."

I'm done existing in shallow waters, comfortable faith, and easy love.  I want to live in the deep end.  I want to feed the hungry, clothe the naked, and remember the forgotten.  I want to scale the walls of fear and pride and conquer the giant of insecurity.  I want to love without fear and serve without expectations.  I want to matter, to make a difference, to leave a legacy of faith.

I want the story that God has written for me, the beautiful plan that He has laid out for me since before I was formed in my mother's womb.  I want to fulfill the purpose He has created for me, but I cannot do that if I'm sitting idle in my bubble of comfort and numbness.

And neither can you.  We were not made to just get by in this life.  In fact, we were made to live and to live abundantly.  There is so much more awaiting us in the plan that God has.

In 2015, I'm going to spend more time praying, believing that my words do reach Heaven and they do matter.  I'm going to make a habit of thinking of others before I think of my insecurities.  I'm going to take the time to write more because in writing, I find Him and I find myself.  I'm going to have the courage to dream new dreams and believe for the impossible.  I'm going to grab hold of what God is doing in my life and I will not just be a spectator.  I will be a participant, actively engaged in all of the wonderful, hard, miraculous moments.

In 2015, I'm living in the deep end.

Are you?