When You Don't Trust God.

I adore control.

That sounds so weird, even now, flowing from my fingertips across keyboard onto screen.  But it's true.  I see traces of it in nearly every aspect of my life.  I'd rather approach an issue and fix it myself than ask for help.  I have to analyze everything, figure out where it is going, before allowing myself to get involved completely.  

I am a control freak in the most subtle ways and I realize it in new moments all of the time.  And it continually breaks my heart.  Because the drive for complete and utter control can be so isolating and painful.  

But the worst isolation that I cause with my controlling tendencies is the one that alienates me from my Heavenly Father.  It's so ironic.  He has made me free to do as I please, but I wish that I would aim to please Him rather than this angry monster of control.  

He whispers that I have nothing to worry about.  I ignore His reassurance and beg for a blueprint of the Plan.

He tells me that I am loved, beautiful, treasured, cherished, and adored.  I shrug Him off, asking for accomplishments and awards to dictate my worth.  

But it all really comes down to this:  He asks me to trust Him and I treat Him like I can't.

I can't speak for everyone, but as I've excavated the depths of this muddy heart, I've realized that my desire for control is really just a bunch of trust issues thrown together and dressed like something else.  

And I don't have fancy words to fix it.  I don't have this great theological response.  But I do have a Heavenly Father who showers me with mercy and grace, who continually takes me into His loving hands and molds me, who knows my heart even better than I do.  And as I continually turn my heart over to Him, I will also continually hand over control.

Because out of the two of us, there's only One who knows what He is doing. 

If you have trust issues with God, can I just pray with you, over you, for you?  He is capable of doing absolutely wonderful, amazing, incredible, beautiful, miraculous things in our lives.  We just have to get out of the way.  

Dear Lord, thank You.  Thank You for Your patience with this heart.  Thank You for proving to be faithful, for proving that You are a God that can be trusted.  Forgive me.  I have a hunger for control and I don't want it.  I want to trust You with everything in me, but I need Your help.  Continue to work on me so that I can be the person You have created me to be.  Allow trust to flow so freely through these veins that it's not even a second thought.  I trust You, Lord.  I trust You.  In the mighty and awesome name of Jesus I pray, amen.  

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Day Nineteen.

You can find the rest of the series here.