12.29.2014

Living in the Deep End.

I'm tired of existing.


I know that sounds harsh, but it is the most honest truth I've shared with you, friends.  As we leave this year behind and prepare to usher in a new one, I'm forced to look back on 2014 and remember.

I've been more disillusioned this year.  People that I once held in high esteem have become increasingly more human to me and, as a result, I have held everyone at a distance.  I have never felt more achingly alone or acutely aware of how difficult it is to find people my age who genuinely love Jesus and have decided to follow Him no matter the cost.  Ministry opportunities, ones that I so looked forward to, were seemingly ripped from my grasp this year.  My prayer life has taken a beating since I questioned everything, including whether my prayers could really make a difference at all.

And yet, I still feel as though I'm walking out of this year unscathed by what truly matters.  I'm not satisfied with where I am, spiritually or personally, because I know that it has taken very little effort on my part to get here.  I haven't done anything that requires great courage or faith and that sickens me.  Where's the girl who once believed God for impossible things?  Where's the girl who always had a testimony poised and ready on the tip of her heart?  Where's the girl who was so excited to be pieced back together again that she vowed to become an advocate of God's love?

I feel as though I'm just existing.  And that's just not cutting it anymore.


I once made the statement, "...when my time of waiting is complete and God moves me into the blessing He has waiting for me, I don't want Him to find me treading water in the shallow end.  Treading water doesn't require any faith.  It's safe and simple.  I want Him to find me in the deep end, teaching others how to swim."

I'm done existing in shallow waters, comfortable faith, and easy love.  I want to live in the deep end.  I want to feed the hungry, clothe the naked, and remember the forgotten.  I want to scale the walls of fear and pride and conquer the giant of insecurity.  I want to love without fear and serve without expectations.  I want to matter, to make a difference, to leave a legacy of faith.

I want the story that God has written for me, the beautiful plan that He has laid out for me since before I was formed in my mother's womb.  I want to fulfill the purpose He has created for me, but I cannot do that if I'm sitting idle in my bubble of comfort and numbness.

And neither can you.  We were not made to just get by in this life.  In fact, we were made to live and to live abundantly.  There is so much more awaiting us in the plan that God has.

In 2015, I'm going to spend more time praying, believing that my words do reach Heaven and they do matter.  I'm going to make a habit of thinking of others before I think of my insecurities.  I'm going to take the time to write more because in writing, I find Him and I find myself.  I'm going to have the courage to dream new dreams and believe for the impossible.  I'm going to grab hold of what God is doing in my life and I will not just be a spectator.  I will be a participant, actively engaged in all of the wonderful, hard, miraculous moments.

In 2015, I'm living in the deep end.

Are you?


16 comments:

  1. Your words echo in this heart, touching the ache here, too. Much love to you dear friend.

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  2. Beautiful! Help me Lord to leave in the deep end!

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  3. Hi ,Courtney! My favorite and most-used prayer since I was your age (many moons ago) has been "Father, I have no knowledge, no understanding, no wisdom--please give me Your knowledge, Your understanding, and Your wisdom." God has never failed me and in the tough times--even when I can't change circumstances--His knowledge, His understanding, and His wisdom have carried me through. Quit being so hard on yourself and understand that you are God's beloved daughter.

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    1. Thank you for your comments and encouragement, and thank you for reading. :)

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  4. God bless you and may He launch you out in the deep. I am sure you can do it. You are such a talented young lady. Love and prayers to you.

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    1. Thank you so much! Love and prayers in return. :)

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  5. I too have looked back over my life this past year and recognised that if I'm honest the fire, and fervency I had for the lord is threading in shallow water in comparison to what it once was. I also know the way back though! I know the only way to get back what I lost in Christ, is to properly aliegn my faith in Christ, and the Holy Spirit will draw me back, and make the changes in my heart that I cannot make on my own accord. I pray this truth becomes prominent in every believers hearts and lives.

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    1. Amen! Thank you for reading and for your wise comments. :)

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  6. God bless u Sister. I feel I haven't done enough for God this year either, and I claim for 2015 to be a blessed and prosperous year for the church. I am ready to go out and be like John, Preparing the way of the Lord. Jesus Is coming soon church. Lets get on fire and believe for a move of God like never before in these mountains. God bless you brothers and sisters.

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    1. God bless you, Shawn! You are such an encouragement. Continue pointing to Christ in all that you do and He will continue blessing you. You are such a tremendous young man of God and I am grateful to have you as a brother in Christ.

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  7. Enjoyed reading this. & looking forward to seeing the Anointed Hearts in March @ Logan.

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    1. Thanks, Keith! Looking forward to seeing you, friend.

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  8. Headed over here from (in)courage. I don't know what God has planned, but based on these words, "I want to live in the deep end. I want to feed the hungry, clothe the naked, and remember the forgotten". I felt led to mention this. This summer a ministry we know of is going to Cambodia. Here is their website to get more info. as they post it. http://www.youcanreach.com/

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    1. Thank you for reading! I'll definitely check out the information you've passed this way. :)

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