FMF: Doubt.

{So for the first time ever, I have the chance and the words to join the lovely Five Minute Friday bloggers.  Every Friday, writers with words poised and ready are given a prompt and they simply write.  No editing, no analyzing.  Just letting your heart spill through words in five minutes or less.  I've known about the Five Minute Friday community for awhile and I have admired from a distance, but a busy schedule and lack of words have kept me from joining.  Until today.  This week's prompt is "doubt".}

Sometimes I wear doubt like a blanket, snuggling into it's warmth and comfort like it's the only thing I've ever known, like it's the only thing that has kept me safe.  

But the funny thing about the things that keep us safe?  They can also keep us trapped.

I think doubt has done just that.

I think that the doubt I cling to, the doubt that I feel hides me and saves me, is the same doubt that drowns me and ruins me.  It's the same doubt that rips me from my Heavenly Father, creating a rift between us of which I'm just now beginning to see the depths.  

I doubt who I am, who I should be, and what I should be doing.  I doubt who He is, what He does, and if He truly loves me as He says.  I doubt.  Because I'm human.  Because I'm unworthy.  Because I don't understand how a big, big God could love little old me.

Yet He does.  His goodness does not rely on my belief.  Whether doubt strangles me or faith thrives in my blood, He is still God and He is still good.  His character never changes.  My doubt doesn't alter Him.  It alters me.  And I don't like the change I see.

This year, I'm living in the deep end.  I keep saying that because I'm trying to remind myself.  These brave moments that I keep intentionally choosing seem too much at times, and I have to remind myself that I'm choosing them on purpose.  Because doubt has lived here long enough.  Because faith is done trying to edge it's way in.  Because I am tired of forgetting who I am and Who I belong to.

There's no longer any room left for doubt.  

I am His, He is mine, and I am changed by this holy concept.

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