When You're Scared to Hope.

"I have faith, and I have hope.  I just don't want to be wrong again, you know?"

She looks at me and I want to hug her because I can feel my heart aching under the weight of this moment.  I tell her that I do know, that I understand, that I'll be praying for this situation.  I tell her my story of hope that turned to disappointment and she nods, but remains silent, because what can you say?  What can you say when you want to say everything will be just fine, but you're worried that those words aren't true?

My friend passed away in 2012 and I believe that any courageous, bold hope that I used to have passed with her.  So many had been praying for her and I just knew that God would spare her life.  Instead, He healed her of one illness only for another illness to sneak in and take her.

And I struggled.  It felt as though my faith was deceitful, my hope misplaced and untrustworthy.  What good was prayer if it couldn't save her?  What good was hope if it was wrong?

Although I have spent the past three years wrestling with my faith, growing stronger in the broken places and getting to know Christ in a deeper and more personal way than ever before, my heart still catches when I ask it to hope over a scary situation.

Choosing hope is brave.  I'm not going to lie to you.  It would be easier to believe the percentages that doctors hand you.  It would be easier to shut your heart down after the divorce papers are delivered.  It would be easier to look at your deceased friend's picture and vow to never pray again.

But if I truly believe that my God reigns over everything, that His will is perfect even when circumstances seem otherwise, I have to keep choosing hope.  Because I will keep choosing Him.
"And now, Lord, for what do I expectantly wait? My hope [my confident expectation] is in You." (Psalm 39:7 AMP)

Day Three.
You can find the rest of the series here.

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