Stay.

I will trust You.

And that might look different than I've always thought it would.  Because trusting You means trusting that You hear me, You see me, and You are aware of my needs.  It means trusting that You know me better than I know myself and You know what work needs to be done on the inside of this stubborn heart.  It means walking the fine line between impatiently moving ahead of You and dragging my feet because I'm expecting You to just drop things from Heaven.

It means trusting and believing that You have more than enough grace and mercy to spare for my numerous mess ups.  And it means taking all of the pressure off of myself to get it right the first time.

I have walked on eggshells for years, trying to decipher the next move of my life because I wanted so desperately to be right in Your eyes.  I thought one wrong step would ultimately end everything between us.  

Sometimes I know it so deeply, that You're staying and You won't leave.  But other times, I panic.  I still treat You like You're going to walk away when I mess up.  I don't think I am enough to make You stay, so I strive to do everything right because if I don't mess up, You will still want me.

But that's not how You work.  That's not how You love.  

I have always talked of grace and mercy and love, but I never really applied them to my life.  I tried to.  I tried to look at my hot mess and find a place where something like mercy could fit.  

Which is funny because I hand out those words like popsicles on a hot day, like I'm Oprah giving them away with joy and excitement.  "There's grace for you!  And you!  And you!  EVERYBODY GETS GRACE TODAY!"

And not once did I bother to truly grab some grace for myself.

But I will trust You.

And that looks different than I've always thought it would.  Because trusting You means trusting that You will still want me when my humanity shows.  Trusting You means trusting that You will extend the same mercy, grace, love, and forgiveness to me that I believe You extend to others.  

It means trusting that You want me to live like I'm loved. 

It means trusting that You love me enough to stay.